Starry, starry night...

My head feels the clearest it's been in a long time, but also empty.It's like if I only had some ideas or motives I might possibly be able to write them out, right as rain, but I can't, because there simply isn't anything in there.

My hands start to feel heavy, and it becomes increasingly hard to type. My vision blurs... visions of dancing yellow and green swirls pour over everything I see. Somehow I'm still half-expecting to see Kylie Minogue pop out in a glitter-saturated gown.Things start vibrating. My muscle aches and fatigue are replaced by this numb feeling of completion. My eyes keep widening, almost as if they crave to let more in through them. I've never felt so right... so sure of everything, right down to just existing. My body feels filled with some sort of divine white light... I am weightless.

My fingertips become heavier now, and it becomes even harder to formulate words using the keyboard. I feel as if a gate has been lifted, but still somehow slightly drunk on the experience, as a whole. Something heavy is trapped inside of my chest and begs to be released, but it's somehow a good feeling... it is the only thing that has any weight in my body at this point. A pleasant coolness drifts over me and I am content just to be breathing deep, full breaths. For a moment, the cage around the animal in my chest, but it soon loosens, giving way to a tingly feeling on my temples and forehead. Then my throat tightens and dries... the tightness in my chest returns as well. I cannot help but fidget my feet as my breaths become shallower. My whole body suddenly tenses, and I become shaky and unsure. My head still remains clear and untainted by anything. If only there was something worth while, floating around in there.

I finally take my first deep breath in the whole experience, an an incredible amount of pressure is released in the process. I still feel somehow tense and on edge.. but it's not a terrible feeling. Just an intense amount of clarity... I feel astoundingly alert and level-headed. I do not feel like I could conquer any sort of serious task at the moment... all I feel I could handle is sitting here, drinking in the virtual sensations these mind-numbing vibrations and tones provide.

I am a little more than half-way done with my dosage now, and my hands feel pleasantly tingly. I start to feel a bit itchy, all over, going through that "bugs over my skin" sensation, once more. I now feel, simply put, happy. And it is a pure, unadulterated happy feeling... one I haven't felt since dancing to street performers when I was five. And then I begin to fade... fade into an almost transient state. My eyes stare, wide-eyed, at the screen in front of me, and the tingly, prickly feeling engulfs my body. My amber-vision returns again, and I see intricate Oriental rug patterns dance over everything in my line of vision. It's hard to concentrate on anything... my mind is being almost automatically flushed for me. It's blanking on it's own.

I feel so loose, and so right, and so green and delightful. I succumb to the pleasantly drunk, high, euphoric state the vibrations have given me... and anxiously await the day when I try it all again.

Death: The final frontier.

Death really fascinates me. I see the ghost of a dead drummer wandering around my room in the wee hours of the morning. I dream of dying. I dream of pets, family members, friends, loved ones dying in mysterious accidents. I dream of deaths that haven't even happened yet. I imagine ways I could die, one day. I create extravagant death fantasies in my mind. I don't care what this makes me look like. The thought of ghosts always gave me a generally creepy-crawly feeling all through my bones. When I was younger, I stayed up nights, playing with the clown. I'm convinced that sense of perception to the supernatural is heightened at a younger age, and slowly dwindles, as we're taught to believe that such apparitions are absurd and made up. I still believe in them, and I hope I always do. I realise now, about the "good" and "bad" vibes I can get from different energies. Keith comforts me, makes me feel warm and safe. When he's sad, I feel anxious.. on edge.

I've felt a malicious spirit before. I've seen the man who claimed to have pushed my mother down the stairs when she was pregnant. This claim was made through a Ouija board, but I've seen him. I've felt his presence, and shivered at it. I've heard my name whispered in the dark by nameless voices. I've felt anonymous arms slide around me in an embrace that lasted the night. I've seen the faces and figures of more than one, lit only by the ambient light in the room. I've seen the soft, loving eyes of a crazy piper. I've felt the warm touch of a friendly, eccentric, long lost friend in the dead of the night. I've met the familiar embrace of a relative, lost too soon to an incurable disease.

I still hear his slippers shuffling across the carpet as he settles into his chair to watch the baseball game; same time every night, like clockwork. I disctinctly recall that green crystal ashtray shaped like a shoe, where he'd ash the occasional cigar.

I still hear the purr of his motorcycle as I'm seated on the back of it, strong arms lifting me up. I remember the feel of his stubbly cheek against mine when he scooped me into his arms and hugged me like he'd never see me again.

I never knew the smell of his clothes, or the feel of his hair between my fingers. I can't recall laying against him, peacefully, as his chest rose and fell beneath me; the sounds of his breaths lulling me to sleep. I can't remember what I have not experienced, but I have these sensations; these smells and memories and private films that play on the insides of my eyelids as I slip into unconsciousness. This is what I have, and for some reason, my brain always chooses to remind me of it all at quarter of four in the morning.